Originally posted May 2005.
Here are a few pointers on what to do if you feel like your discipline is not working. You are bound to feel this way at times, but you need to take heart! Don’t get defeated. You can win with your child. Each one is different and some have more spunk and willpower than others. Parenting can get really hard at times, but you will win if you stick in there.
When things get difficult, make sure you get input from your small group leader or someone who is close to the situation. Ask them for open and frank input on all areas that relate to your parenting. Oftentimes it is easier for an outsider to see our issues than it is for us to see them ourselves.
Here are some basics I’d want to make sure you’re confident in if things are getting really tough.
More love and relationship
Make sure you (both parents) are connected with your child. Are you in the home enough? Is she with sitters or in daycare frequently? I’d cut out as much of that as you can. She needs you.
Some kids like lots and lots of attention, and for some of them, negative attention seems better to them than minimal attention. Some kids will go through spankings just to get to the kiss and make-up part at the end. Make sure that throughout the day you are touching her, saying “I love you”, and making eye contact with her when you talk to her.
More discipline
Kids will act up if they think they can win. Some kids will give up the battle of the wills if they have a ten percent chance of getting caught and/or disciplined. Although it’s always best to be consistent, a little inconsistency with these kids might not be a real big deal.
However, all kids are different. Some kids feel victorious with far less. If they can win one battle out of twenty, then they consider that a victory. They will battle every time in hopes of winning just once. Losing nineteen battles is no big deal as long as they can win the twentieth. So, check your consistency level.
When you’ve been disciplining a child time after time, it can be easy to get fearful of entering into discipline situations. For some parents this can lead to weaker parenting. They make excuses for their children’s misbehavior, accept less than complete obedience, and shy away from giving instructions that they worry might be disobeyed.
Here’s an example:
“Gimme that toy. Give it right now… Hurry up... Okay, you want to put it on the chair? That’s fine. But don’t touch it again... I said, ‘Don’t touch it again’... Okay if you want to touch it that’s fine, but you better not pick it up… Put that back down. If you don’t put it down, I’m going to tell your father...”
The child in that situation just won five battles. She didn’t obey quickly. She put the toy in a place different than she was told to. She touched it again. She picked it up again. She didn’t put it down again quickly.
I’d take the battle back to the first offense and discipline after she put the toy in the wrong place. Take away her victories. If she has no hope of winning such battles, there is no point engaging with you at that level.
I would also caution against getting fearful that something is terribly wrong with your child. I remember when we asked a pediatrician to check the hearing of one of our kids. A knowing smile came over his face as he obliged. Surprisingly, everything checked out just fine. I don’t think we were the first parents to think our child couldn’t hear. You see, the problem wasn’t hearing, it was obeying.
We may be tempted at times to think our child must have some physical problem, and more than a few parents have even wondered if their child was demon possessed. While we don’t want to ignore the possibility of some sort of disability, there’s a good chance that all that is wrong is that our child has a selfish, independent, and rebellious streak. Nothing personal, I’m just saying kids can be rebellious, and neither your child nor mine is exempt from that.
I suppose it is possible that there are aspects of a child’s disposition, psychological makeup, or physical health that make her more prone to rebellion, but that doesn’t make it okay to be rebellious. If she can obey sometimes, she can obey all the time, or at least become a generally obedient child. Could she be more prone to acting up at times? Sure. I’m definitely grouchier when I’m tired, but I need to control that regardless of my vulnerability to it. She may be more sensitive to how much you are home, or things that are said to her, or to what she eats for breakfast. Sure, there could be contributing factors to when she struggles, but like all of us, she needs to learn to use self-control even when she is tired, sick, irritable, ticked off, or whatever.
More instruction
Give your young kids lots of structure. Kids thrive with structure. Have your child always operating under your direction. Practice ‘blanket time’ with her. Set her on a blanket for 30 minutes with 3 or 4 toys. Have her play quietly without getting off. Stay close to keep an eye on her. If she fusses or gets off, discipline her for disobeying you. This will help her learn to obey your instructions and to stay within boundaries that you set for her.
If she was really going berserk for a while and I felt that the amount of discipline was getting to a troubling level, I might try to slow down the process a little by giving her significantly more instruction. After disciplining her, you might try holding her for a while and letting her calm down. Then, after she has regained her composure you could give her another opportunity to yield. For instance, I might discipline her and then just hold her in my lap for a minute or two saying, “Shhhhh.” Then, after she calms down a little, I’d explain it very clearly, “Honey, you don’t want another spanking, do you? Good. I don’t want to give you another one. But if you do not obey, I will, because that is best for you. I want to help you learn to obey. I want you to say “sorry”. Good! Now I’m going to ask you to obey again, and if you do not obey, I’ll have to spank again. And you don’t want that right? Okay, now, I want you to go and get the toy and give it to me. You must give it to me. You may not set it on the floor. You may not throw it. You may not give it to someone else. You must get the toy and give it to me. Do you understand? Good, now please go and get the toy and hand it to me…”
Give a young child lots of simple instruction. Make it good and clear that you love her and that you will work with her through this issue, but that you will win. You don’t want to lose the battle, but you can certainly slow it down a little and give her some time to think through things and make good choices.
With an older child who has a good command of the language, you still need to give plenty of instruction, and it needs to be obeyed. It is important to explain the wisdom behind your instructions at times, but obedience must come first. “Because I said so,” is not a bad reason to give. It is important for the child to yield to your authority and not to your ability to develop an air-tight argument persuading your child that your way is best. You can do it a little more politely by saying, “I’ll explain it later, but right now I would just like you to do it because I asked you to.” Remember that you do not need to convince your child that you are right. Your are the parent; she is the child.
If you are struggling with discipline, give 100% attention to these areas for a few weeks and see if you notice any change. You should not have lots and lots of long, drawn out battles. If your consistent love, discipline, and instruction are not curbing behavior, then I’d keep reevaluating the situation and continuing to get input. Keep praying for wisdom. Ask God to reveal to you anything that you can change to help turn the situation. He wants to help you.
[Parenting friendly version]
Here are a few pointers on what to do if you feel like your discipline is not working. You are bound to feel this way at times, but you need to take heart! Don’t get defeated. You can win with your child. Each one is different and some have more spunk and willpower than others. Parenting can get really hard at times, but you will win if you stick in there.
When things get difficult, make sure you get input from your small group leader or someone who is close to the situation. Ask them for open and frank input on all areas that relate to your parenting. Oftentimes it is easier for an outsider to see our issues than it is for us to see them ourselves.
Here are some basics I’d want to make sure you’re confident in if things are getting really tough.
More love and relationship
Make sure you (both parents) are connected with your child. Are you in the home enough? Is she with sitters or in daycare frequently? I’d cut out as much of that as you can. She needs you.
Some kids like lots and lots of attention, and for some of them, negative attention seems better to them than minimal attention. Some kids will go through spankings just to get to the kiss and make-up part at the end. Make sure that throughout the day you are touching her, saying “I love you”, and making eye contact with her when you talk to her.
More discipline
Kids will act up if they think they can win. Some kids will give up the battle of the wills if they have a ten percent chance of getting caught and/or disciplined. Although it’s always best to be consistent, a little inconsistency with these kids might not be a real big deal.
However, all kids are different. Some kids feel victorious with far less. If they can win one battle out of twenty, then they consider that a victory. They will battle every time in hopes of winning just once. Losing nineteen battles is no big deal as long as they can win the twentieth. So, check your consistency level.
When you’ve been disciplining a child time after time, it can be easy to get fearful of entering into discipline situations. For some parents this can lead to weaker parenting. They make excuses for their children’s misbehavior, accept less than complete obedience, and shy away from giving instructions that they worry might be disobeyed.
Here’s an example:
“Gimme that toy. Give it right now… Hurry up... Okay, you want to put it on the chair? That’s fine. But don’t touch it again... I said, ‘Don’t touch it again’... Okay if you want to touch it that’s fine, but you better not pick it up… Put that back down. If you don’t put it down, I’m going to tell your father...”
The child in that situation just won five battles. She didn’t obey quickly. She put the toy in a place different than she was told to. She touched it again. She picked it up again. She didn’t put it down again quickly.
I’d take the battle back to the first offense and discipline after she put the toy in the wrong place. Take away her victories. If she has no hope of winning such battles, there is no point engaging with you at that level.
I would also caution against getting fearful that something is terribly wrong with your child. I remember when we asked a pediatrician to check the hearing of one of our kids. A knowing smile came over his face as he obliged. Surprisingly, everything checked out just fine. I don’t think we were the first parents to think our child couldn’t hear. You see, the problem wasn’t hearing, it was obeying.
We may be tempted at times to think our child must have some physical problem, and more than a few parents have even wondered if their child was demon possessed. While we don’t want to ignore the possibility of some sort of disability, there’s a good chance that all that is wrong is that our child has a selfish, independent, and rebellious streak. Nothing personal, I’m just saying kids can be rebellious, and neither your child nor mine is exempt from that.
I suppose it is possible that there are aspects of a child’s disposition, psychological makeup, or physical health that make her more prone to rebellion, but that doesn’t make it okay to be rebellious. If she can obey sometimes, she can obey all the time, or at least become a generally obedient child. Could she be more prone to acting up at times? Sure. I’m definitely grouchier when I’m tired, but I need to control that regardless of my vulnerability to it. She may be more sensitive to how much you are home, or things that are said to her, or to what she eats for breakfast. Sure, there could be contributing factors to when she struggles, but like all of us, she needs to learn to use self-control even when she is tired, sick, irritable, ticked off, or whatever.
More instruction
Give your young kids lots of structure. Kids thrive with structure. Have your child always operating under your direction. Practice ‘blanket time’ with her. Set her on a blanket for 30 minutes with 3 or 4 toys. Have her play quietly without getting off. Stay close to keep an eye on her. If she fusses or gets off, discipline her for disobeying you. This will help her learn to obey your instructions and to stay within boundaries that you set for her.
If she was really going berserk for a while and I felt that the amount of discipline was getting to a troubling level, I might try to slow down the process a little by giving her significantly more instruction. After disciplining her, you might try holding her for a while and letting her calm down. Then, after she has regained her composure you could give her another opportunity to yield. For instance, I might discipline her and then just hold her in my lap for a minute or two saying, “Shhhhh.” Then, after she calms down a little, I’d explain it very clearly, “Honey, you don’t want another spanking, do you? Good. I don’t want to give you another one. But if you do not obey, I will, because that is best for you. I want to help you learn to obey. I want you to say “sorry”. Good! Now I’m going to ask you to obey again, and if you do not obey, I’ll have to spank again. And you don’t want that right? Okay, now, I want you to go and get the toy and give it to me. You must give it to me. You may not set it on the floor. You may not throw it. You may not give it to someone else. You must get the toy and give it to me. Do you understand? Good, now please go and get the toy and hand it to me…”
Give a young child lots of simple instruction. Make it good and clear that you love her and that you will work with her through this issue, but that you will win. You don’t want to lose the battle, but you can certainly slow it down a little and give her some time to think through things and make good choices.
With an older child who has a good command of the language, you still need to give plenty of instruction, and it needs to be obeyed. It is important to explain the wisdom behind your instructions at times, but obedience must come first. “Because I said so,” is not a bad reason to give. It is important for the child to yield to your authority and not to your ability to develop an air-tight argument persuading your child that your way is best. You can do it a little more politely by saying, “I’ll explain it later, but right now I would just like you to do it because I asked you to.” Remember that you do not need to convince your child that you are right. Your are the parent; she is the child.
If you are struggling with discipline, give 100% attention to these areas for a few weeks and see if you notice any change. You should not have lots and lots of long, drawn out battles. If your consistent love, discipline, and instruction are not curbing behavior, then I’d keep reevaluating the situation and continuing to get input. Keep praying for wisdom. Ask God to reveal to you anything that you can change to help turn the situation. He wants to help you.
[Parenting friendly version]
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