Originally posted 2005.
 
Here’s a little food for thought on teenage relationships.
 
The Cultural Recipe for the Perfect Match
By Charlie Meyer
 
Ingredients:
Take 6-18 young, tender, hormonally charged children. Prepare by removing moral beliefs and all respect for adults. Blend together sex education, MTV, and internet. Marinate children 3-6 years in “their room.” Place together in an automobile one male and one female. Add just a dash of clothing and park in dark place for several hours at a time along with government supplied contraceptives. Add alcohol or other stimulants to taste. Let simmer. Each 1-6 months, remove one child and replace with different one of same sex from pool. In this fashion rotate all children through car in various combinations. Repeat for 6-10 years. Children are now ready to marry as many times as needed.

[Printer friendly version]

Originally posted August, 2004.
 
Question: Do you ever worry that your kids will be sexually abused by sitters, neighbors, family, or friends?
 
Response:
Yes, we worry.
 
We worry for a good reason.  It seems like there are weekly articles in our paper of sexual molestation by coaches, relatives, friends, neighbors, and even clergy.  One in three girls and one in seven boys will be molested during childhood(1).  While that statistic seems outrageous, from my limited counseling experience it really doesn’t seem to be too exaggerated.  It’s an ugly world, isn’t it?  As you can imagine, the results can be devastating.
 
I’m sure this is an incomplete list.  I am no expert in this, but here are some of the things we’ve tried to put into place in our family.
 
1. Be with your kids.
Ephesians 5:12  For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret.
 
If you could take away the “secret” part of it, you could prevent a lot of the ugly things people do.  One way to do that is to stay with your kids and watch over them as much as possible.  Keep your kids in your home, and not at the neighbors’.  Obviously, there are times when you need to be gone, but it’s far too easy to fall into the trap of running around all over while a sitter watches the kids.  In fact, in our society it is commonly preached that parents “need a break” and “need to get away.”  Certainly, we need some peace, and we need some rest at times, but not at the expense of the children that God has entrusted into our care.  When you must be away, take precautions; but try to be away as little as possible.
 
Train your kids to be with you so that you don’t always need a sitter.  Train them to be able to play quietly while you meet with someone in your home, or sit on a blanket and play while you’re at a meeting at church or school.  Older kids can read a book or help with younger siblings.   Work toward that goal. 
 
2. Warn your kids of dangers.
Give age-appropriate warnings.  For younger kids they can be real simple.

• Some people try to hurt children.
• Some people try to steal children.
• Some people try to touch children where they shouldn’t.
• Some people try to trick children (give examples to them of what a stranger might say).
• If someone tries to take you they are going to hurt you.  Do everything that you can to get away no matter what they say.
• Read The Swimsuit Lesson by Jon Holsten

 
3. Set boundaries.
We need to take heed of the statistics we read and do something about it.  Proverbs 27:12 says, “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.”  We see potential danger in this area and need to take action.  Kids need boundaries.  They need them with strangers, but they also need them with those that they are close to.  About 80% of abusers are not strangers, but are known to the children.(2)  Here are some boundaries to consider:

• No one else should touch your private areas.

• No one else should see your private areas.
• No one else should be alone with you or any of your brothers and sisters behind a closed door.
• Adults (particularly men) may not have close, exclusive, personal relationships with our kids.
• Adults may not take our kids on one-on-one activities like hiking, swimming, etc.
• We greatly restrict allowing our kids to go on sleepovers. 

 
4. Screen your sitters.
Our church just did about 40 background checks on our children’s ministry workers.  You’d expect that of an organization that cares for your kids, wouldn’t you?  Yet many parents will allow someone into their home to watch their children whom they know little to nothing about.  Pick sitters who have good character, upbringing, and dispositions.  The teenaged-neighbor girl may be available and easy to use in a pinch, but do you really know her?
 
I’m sure this is discriminatory, but I’m recommend using only female sitters.  We usually don’t allow male relatives, friends, and neighbors to watch our kids.  Most sexual predators are men.
 
Be careful of using a sitter just because someone else uses him/her.  Other parents may not be as discriminating.     
 
5. Tell your kids what to do if approached sexually or if someone tries to take them.

• Scream like crazy!
• Kick, yell, fight, bite, claw eyes out, etc.
• Tell us about it.

 
6. Try to identify abuse.
Abuse is certainly a terrible thing.  We want to do everything we can to prevent it.  However, it does not have to be the end of the world.  It is very serious, but if it happens, we can get through it with God’s help.  The catch is that we’re really like to know about it if it happens so that we can help our kids work through it.  We ask our kids lots of questions to try and find out what happened in our absence.

• Did anyone touch you inappropriately while we were gone? 
  Has anyone ever touched you inappropriately? 
• Did anything happen that someone told you not to tell mommy or daddy?
• Did anything happen today that made you feel uncomfortable?
• Did anyone see your private parts?
• Is there anyone you don’t feel comfortable around and don’t want us to use as a babysitter?
• Did anyone take you or any of our other children behind a closed door?

 
Lastly, I’d just remind you to be in faith.  There are many dangers in the world, and we cannot protect our kids from all of them.  You should certainly take reasonable precautions, but you don’t need to keep your kids locked up.  Trust God to give you discernment, to watch over your kids, and to help you get through anything that this evil world brings. 
 
Psalms 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you. NIV
 
(1) Earnest Zarra III, It Should Never Happen Here, © 1995, p. 14
(2) Earnest Zarra III, It Should Never Happen Here, © 1995, p. 17

[Printable version]

Originally posted in Aug, 2004
 
Kathleen and I had our first birds-and-the-bees talk a little while back with Blaise.  We came up with a quick collection of Scripture to cover with him and we wanted to pass that on to anyone who could use it.  I’ll expand on my thoughts here so that hopefully you can make sense of it. 
 
Blaise had been asking some questions about sex for a number of years, and we usually just told him that we’d explain things to him when he was a little older.  Even in a protected environment it is bound to come up sooner or later.  He learned the word “sex” from a Sunday school friend and heard a very rough slang term for it in Sunday school from another boy.  In his Bible reading he had bumped up against the word rape on several occasions.  He had heard conversations about someone that had committed adultery, and in science class he was learning about animals mating.  On Christian radio they were talking about homosexual marriage, and in our home we had addressed the dangers of sexual predators, without mentioning the sexual part of it.  Anyway, all that just to say that we felt he might be starting to piece some things together, and we wanted to make sure he had a godly view of it presented to him as his first view. 
 
He was a little over 10½ at the time.  That’s not a magical age, it just seemed like it was right for him at that age.  I would have probably waited longer if not for the exposure he was getting.
 
We talked to him as a couple, and I led the time.  We hoped that would help make it a subject that was not taboo, or secretive, and that he would feel comfortable talking to either of us about it as needed.
 
The main thing we wanted him to understand was that sex was normal, healthy, God-given, and beautiful.  (The word ‘awesome’ got vetoed although I thought it was a good idea.)  I started by telling him about Adam and Eve and explained that God created them differently.  I read the passages below and explained what it meant when Adam “laid with his wife”.  I used real simple terms.  He already knew about boy and girl parts, and I basically explained that they were made that way to fit together in marriage…and I tried really hard to keep a straight face.  Again, it was very simple.  No detailed explanations.  No diagrams.  Just the simple facts.  At this age we didn’t want to stir up anything that wasn’t already stirring.  We basically just wanted to address some of the same things the Bible does. 
 
Genesis 2:20-25 But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. NIV
 
Genesis 4:1-2 Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, "With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man." Later she gave birth to his brother Abel. NIV
 
Of course, by this time he was mildly stunned.  The whole idea is pretty weird, even to me if I think about it long enough.  So I tried to address that as well: 

If it seems weird…

• It’s natural (Romans 1:26,27)
• It is very hard to understand and explain.  Proverbs 30:18-19 "There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: 19the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden. NIV
• It’s beautiful (Song of Solomon)

 
Then we addressed the purpose of it:
Why?

• To multiply and have children
  • Genesis 9:7 As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it." NIV
• Closeness of relationship (they will become one flesh)

 
Then we addressed some upcoming changes:
How the body works…

• Body is being prepared for adulthood
• Hair, breasts, growing pains

 
Then we addressed some of the words we knew he had already bumped into:
Other words to explain:

• Making love, having sex, sleep with, mating
• Lust, adultery, birds and the bees, virgin

 
Then, without going into sordid detail, we briefly explained misuses of sex:
Perversion

• Satan takes what is good and makes it bad.  (That’s what perversion is.)
• Adultery, premarital sex, incest, rape, homosexuality, bestiality, child molesters
• 1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. NIV

 
After that we answered questions and tried to clarify everything.  We’ve followed up a couple of times since then and have asked if he has more questions.
 
I’d guess that within the next couple of years I’ll address some of the upcoming temptations a little more in depth, specifically: premarital sex, ma$turbatl0n, and pornography.  If we’re going to equip our kids for real life temptations, these are certainly some of the biggies to cover.  

[Printer friendly version]