Originally posted May 2005.
 
Here are a few pointers on what to do if you feel like your discipline is not working. You are bound to feel this way at times, but you need to take heart! Don’t get defeated. You can win with your child. Each one is different and some have more spunk and willpower than others. Parenting can get really hard at times, but you will win if you stick in there.

When things get difficult, make sure you get input from your small group leader or someone who is close to the situation. Ask them for open and frank input on all areas that relate to your parenting. Oftentimes it is easier for an outsider to see our issues than it is for us to see them ourselves.

Here are some basics I’d want to make sure you’re confident in if things are getting really tough.
 
More love and relationship
Make sure you (both parents) are connected with your child. Are you in the home enough? Is she with sitters or in daycare frequently? I’d cut out as much of that as you can. She needs you.

Some kids like lots and lots of attention, and for some of them, negative attention seems better to them than minimal attention. Some kids will go through spankings just to get to the kiss and make-up part at the end. Make sure that throughout the day you are touching her, saying “I love you”, and making eye contact with her when you talk to her.
 
More discipline
Kids will act up if they think they can win. Some kids will give up the battle of the wills if they have a ten percent chance of getting caught and/or disciplined. Although it’s always best to be consistent, a little inconsistency with these kids might not be a real big deal.

However, all kids are different. Some kids feel victorious with far less. If they can win one battle out of twenty, then they consider that a victory. They will battle every time in hopes of winning just once. Losing nineteen battles is no big deal as long as they can win the twentieth. So, check your consistency level.

When you’ve been disciplining a child time after time, it can be easy to get fearful of entering into discipline situations. For some parents this can lead to weaker parenting. They make excuses for their children’s misbehavior, accept less than complete obedience, and shy away from giving instructions that they worry might be disobeyed.

Here’s an example:
 
“Gimme that toy. Give it right now… Hurry up... Okay, you want to put it on the chair? That’s fine. But don’t touch it again... I said, ‘Don’t touch it again’... Okay if you want to touch it that’s fine, but you better not pick it up… Put that back down. If you don’t put it down, I’m going to tell your father...”
 
The child in that situation just won five battles. She didn’t obey quickly. She put the toy in a place different than she was told to. She touched it again. She picked it up again. She didn’t put it down again quickly.

I’d take the battle back to the first offense and discipline after she put the toy in the wrong place. Take away her victories. If she has no hope of winning such battles, there is no point engaging with you at that level.

I would also caution against getting fearful that something is terribly wrong with your child. I remember when we asked a pediatrician to check the hearing of one of our kids. A knowing smile came over his face as he obliged. Surprisingly, everything checked out just fine. I don’t think we were the first parents to think our child couldn’t hear. You see, the problem wasn’t hearing, it was obeying.

We may be tempted at times to think our child must have some physical problem, and more than a few parents have even wondered if their child was demon possessed. While we don’t want to ignore the possibility of some sort of disability, there’s a good chance that all that is wrong is that our child has a selfish, independent, and rebellious streak. Nothing personal, I’m just saying kids can be rebellious, and neither your child nor mine is exempt from that.

I suppose it is possible that there are aspects of a child’s disposition, psychological makeup, or physical health that make her more prone to rebellion, but that doesn’t make it okay to be rebellious. If she can obey sometimes, she can obey all the time, or at least become a generally obedient child. Could she be more prone to acting up at times? Sure. I’m definitely grouchier when I’m tired, but I need to control that regardless of my vulnerability to it. She may be more sensitive to how much you are home, or things that are said to her, or to what she eats for breakfast. Sure, there could be contributing factors to when she struggles, but like all of us, she needs to learn to use self-control even when she is tired, sick, irritable, ticked off, or whatever.
 
 
More instruction
Give your young kids lots of structure. Kids thrive with structure. Have your child always operating under your direction. Practice ‘blanket time’ with her. Set her on a blanket for 30 minutes with 3 or 4 toys. Have her play quietly without getting off. Stay close to keep an eye on her. If she fusses or gets off, discipline her for disobeying you. This will help her learn to obey your instructions and to stay within boundaries that you set for her.

If she was really going berserk for a while and I felt that the amount of discipline was getting to a troubling level, I might try to slow down the process a little by giving her significantly more instruction. After disciplining her, you might try holding her for a while and letting her calm down. Then, after she has regained her composure you could give her another opportunity to yield. For instance, I might discipline her and then just hold her in my lap for a minute or two saying, “Shhhhh.” Then, after she calms down a little, I’d explain it very clearly, “Honey, you don’t want another spanking, do you? Good. I don’t want to give you another one. But if you do not obey, I will, because that is best for you. I want to help you learn to obey. I want you to say “sorry”. Good! Now I’m going to ask you to obey again, and if you do not obey, I’ll have to spank again. And you don’t want that right? Okay, now, I want you to go and get the toy and give it to me. You must give it to me. You may not set it on the floor. You may not throw it. You may not give it to someone else. You must get the toy and give it to me. Do you understand? Good, now please go and get the toy and hand it to me…”

Give a young child lots of simple instruction. Make it good and clear that you love her and that you will work with her through this issue, but that you will win. You don’t want to lose the battle, but you can certainly slow it down a little and give her some time to think through things and make good choices.

With an older child who has a good command of the language, you still need to give plenty of instruction, and it needs to be obeyed. It is important to explain the wisdom behind your instructions at times, but obedience must come first. “Because I said so,” is not a bad reason to give. It is important for the child to yield to your authority and not to your ability to develop an air-tight argument persuading your child that your way is best. You can do it a little more politely by saying, “I’ll explain it later, but right now I would just like you to do it because I asked you to.” Remember that you do not need to convince your child that you are right. Your are the parent; she is the child.

If you are struggling with discipline, give 100% attention to these areas for a few weeks and see if you notice any change. You should not have lots and lots of long, drawn out battles. If your consistent love, discipline, and instruction are not curbing behavior, then I’d keep reevaluating the situation and continuing to get input. Keep praying for wisdom. Ask God to reveal to you anything that you can change to help turn the situation. He wants to help you.

[Parenting friendly version]

Originally posted February 2005.
 
Malachi 4:6 “He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.”
 
To some fathers it may seem strange that a father’s heart would have to be turned to his children. Some fathers seem to naturally enjoy a healthy relationship with their kids throughout the years.

However, it is much more difficult for other fathers. They may have once dreamed of playing catch with their kid some day, or of reading The Hobbit together on the couch, but it never quite worked out like that. They brought babies home from the hospital that were interested in nursing, not football. In fact, the whole first year of life seemed to be mommy’s special time of bonding. Certainly things would get better with age…wouldn’t they?

As their babies grew, bonding with their children did not become any more natural. When their babies cried, they wanted their mommies. When they got hurt, they wanted their mommies. When they needed comfort, they wanted their mommies. In fact, they always wanted their mommies.

Some of these dads gave up. They felt out of place, unneeded, and even a little rejected. They felt that since mommy seemed so gifted at parenting, they should just step back and get out of the way. They gave themselves to their careers, their hobbies, and even their churches, but they never learned how to connect with their kids. The time for reading to their kids came and went, and passing the football together never quite interested them or their children.

If you’re one of those dads, something needs to change. Your heart needs to be turned back to your kid, and your kid’s heart needs to be turned back to you. It may seem awkward for you, but you’ve got to connect with your kid no matter what it takes.

Let me give you the secret for connecting with your preteen child. It’s wrestling. You don’t need to know how. You’re bigger. You’ll figure it out. Get down on the floor, and in a taunting tone, say something like, “Come ’ere boy. Let me show you the double leg grab pull down flip around.” If he squeals with laughter, take him down. If he runs, hunt him down.

I don’t mean to imply that wrestling is all that there is to connecting with younger kids. That would be absurd. There is also tickling. Tickle a lot. Tickle their feet, their arms, their legs, their necks. Some people think that too much tickling is cruel, and those people should be thankful that I was not their father, because I would have tickled such silly notions right out of them.
Of course these two keys to parenting can also be combined. Unlike collegiate wrestling, tickling is the ultimate goal of the match. You don’t take them down so that you can count to three; you take them down so that you can tickle them.

I hope you know I’m not kidding. It obviously doesn’t have to be wrestling and tickling but you’ve got to connect with your kid. Get down on the ground and spend an hour with your child. Get at his level and wrestle or play Legos. Build a model, have a pillow fight, or play Hot Wheels. Try to be a kid for a little while.

You don’t have to be Super Dad. You don’t have to be too creative. They just want you. They want your time and your attention. Give them your heart, and they’ll give you theirs in return.


[Printer friendly version]

Originally posted November 2004.
 
Kathleen drove back to Iowa to see her mom shortly before her mom passed away. Here is an account of my experience that I wrote several days after she left:

I really haven’t tried to do much pastoral work this week, so I’d guess the last four days (has it really only been four days?) is pretty typical of what Kathleen experiences all the time. The exception, of course, is that I have the hope of her coming back soon. So where I am only playing Mr. Mom for a few days, she has another 17 years or more.

I’ve been trying to do it all: quick runs to the grocery store, laundry, cleaning, schooling, comforting, etc... Several generous people have made us meals, so I’m not experiencing the full weight of mommy-hood, but I think I’m getting the picture. It’s quite a job. At one point I was frantically running through the house trying to find my shoes so I could take Keziah (age 5) to the Emergency Room. All kinds of thoughts were running through my mind. “Should I leave the other kids alone while I go to the E.R?” “Can I call a neighbor?” “Do I have time to gel my hair?” (Hopefully I’m not that vain, but I had just gotten out of the shower.) It didn’t even occur to me to call 911. I guess the little edible robots the kids made with toothpicks, marshmallows, and licorice weren’t such a great idea. (To my credit, I didn’t let them put toothpicks in the robots made for the smaller two kids.) Thankfully, she coughed up the toothpick before we made it out the door.

Another time I was pretty much at the end of my rope after Malia (age 3) missed the potty. I actually did okay with cleaning it up and all, but then later she was squirming around when I was putting her new pajamas on and I just about lost it. I didn’t actually yell at her or do anything to her, but I admit, I most certainly felt like going berserk-o. What can I say? I’ve got testosterone issues. I’m just kidding, of course. The issues were not testosterone issues, but character issues. Actually, I was pretty discouraged by the whole event because I would like to think I’m a little more mature than that. God help me!
Then there was last night, or this morning, or whatever you want to call it. Jireh (18 months) woke up at 1:00 screaming. I dragged myself out of bed and got him some milk. That helped for a good five minutes and then he started at it again. I let him cry for another ten or fifteen minutes and then I went down to comfort him. Of course, two fears ruled my mind. First of all, what if he has an ear infection? Secondly, what if I can’t get back to sleep?

After thirty minutes or so of cuddling him and singing “Jesus Loves Me,” I put him back down. Another thirty minutes or so and I was free to go back to sleep. That was several hours ago, and instead of lying in bed I’m writing all of you. (Maybe that’s that whole thing about mommies wanting some adult companionship.) Anyway, of course the discouraging part of it all is that they’re all going to start waking up in two hours. I’ve got a whole day ahead of me with very little rest. (That should really help my irritability issues, huh?)

The verse that comes to mind is Matthew 6:34. It says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I don’t need to worry about tomorrow (or is it today now?). God will give me grace. He gave me grace to get through yesterday, and the day before, and the 14,000 and some days before that. There has never been a day that was too much. Sure, I might be a little sleepy, but maybe I’ll get a nap, or Kath will come home early, or God will just help me minute by minute to keep faithfully serving Him right in the midst of my exhaustion. That’s my hope. Somehow, someway, God is going to get me through today, and tomorrow, and the next 14,000 days after that. God is good.

[Printer friendly version]

Originally posted September, 2004.
 
I remember when, a year ago or so, we had “one of those nights.” One of the girls was sick and getting up every ten or fifteen minutes to go to the bathroom. After each trip to the bathroom, she’d come back and roll on our floor moaning with a cramping stomach. (Our bedroom floor is the makeshift infirmary as well as refuge from all things that are scary.) We were both drifting in and out of sleep until around midnight when Kathleen got concerned and called the doctor. After being sick all day, we were concerned that our girl might be getting dehydrated. The doctor reassured us that there wasn’t much that could be done, so Kathleen tried to treat some of the symptoms. She put a heating pad on her stomach and gave her some pain killer as well. Do you remember what happened when you were a kid and your mom gave you medicine? Yeah. That happened. She threw it up along with what seemed to be several meals all over the bathroom floor. Unfortunately, Kathleen was in the way and got her feet nailed as well. I scrambled out of bed and started helping the cleanup process. I think we were back in bed around 2:00.
 
Actually, we’ve had some worse incidents where several kids were getting sick all at once. I remember that one of those nights was the night before going in for a scheduled c-section. After the entire night of cleaning up after sick children, we finally just gave up trying to sleep and just sat in bed and talked while we waited for morning to come.
 
Sometimes it’s not illness, but nightmares. There’s nothing like getting awakened by a blood-curdling scream and then trying to comfort a child who isn’t quite back into our space-time continuum yet.
 
And then there’s the nightly stuff: nursing, children falling out of bed, bathroom runs, dropped stuffed animals, and complaints of “I can’t sleep,” “I’m thirsty,” and “I’m scared.” We’ve even had them wake us up (“us” meaning “Kathleen”) just to say, “I love you.”
 
Of course, parenting is exhausting much of the time, but I mention nighttime because that can be when all our frustrations come to a culmination. It’s hard enough to survive the demands of the day, but can’t we at least get a reprieve? Is a night’s sleep too much to ask? Nighttime is also when we are really not in the mood to die to ourselves and serve others. We want to sleep, not clean up vomit.
 
Oftentimes, parenting leaves no choice. When a child throws up, you have to clean it up whether you feel like it or not. (As if you’d ever feel like it, right?) It’s not like a job where you can just leave and find a different place of employment. You can’t get a transfer to an easier position. You just do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done. There is often little choice in that.
 
However, there is choice in this: you can choose how you respond. You can respond in anger, or with a grumbling heart, or you can respond cheerfully, out of a good heart.
 
In 1 Peter 5:2 pastors are called to be “eager to serve.” It is not enough that we serve, that we do the job and complete the task, but we are to have a heart and passion for it. We should be “eager” to do it. Isn’t that true of all service? Who wants a grumbling employee, child, or even waitress? We’d much rather have service with a smile.
 
Certainly, God wants us to serve Him through serving the children He has given us, but He also wants us to do it with a good heart—to embrace our cross, so to speak. Although serving God is good, serving with a good heart is vastly superior. He asks us to be cheerful givers (2 Corinthians 9:7) and cheerful mercy givers (Romans 12:8). He tells us not to complain (Philippians 2:14), to offer hospitality without grumbling (1 Peter 4:9), and to serve wholeheartedly (Ephesians 6:7). Certainly, if He wants this kind of cheerful service in the Christian life, He also wants this kind of service in the Christian home. That’s not too much of a stretch, is it?
 
Perhaps the key is remembering that it is Christ we are serving. After all, if He were staying at my house, I wouldn’t get mad if He woke me up; and if He got sick, I’d be honored to clean up after Him. It would be a privilege. So if the child God entrusted to my care needs the same level of sacrifice from me, should I respond any differently? Shouldn’t it still be an honor to serve God’s child?
 
Don’t let parenting be a burdensome drudgery. Find joy in your parenting. Be eager to serve, and choose to respond according to God’s power and not your own “sleepy” flesh.
 
Matthew 10:42 [Jesus said,] “And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward.”

[Printer-friendly version]

Originally posted September, 2004.
 
Question: What would you do you if your child said, “I don’t love you”?
 
Response: First of all, I wouldn’t be too shocked.  Most kids are probably going to try that out on you once or twice.  I’m sure our kids have said that before, and I remember saying it to my own mother once as a kid.  The parent child relationship can get pretty intense at times, and when a child’s flesh gets pushed, he’s not going to like it.  Feelings of anger and hatred are common when someone pushes our flesh, so don’t fall prey to thinking that your own little angel won’t ever have those feelings toward you on occasion.  With a really angry child or teen, you might even get an occasional “I hate you,” possibly accompanied by other not-so-choice words, and you might even witness some violent behavior.  (I seem to recall punching the fridge myself as a kid…the fridge won.)
 
Of course, that is not to say that just because such behavior is common that we should allow it.  We are the parents, and God has entrusted us with the role of shaping our children’s behavior.  Just because sinful and rebellious behavior is common, does not mean that we should put up with it. 
 
I think it’s important to note that some parents can be sensitive and hurt by the mean things that their children say.  With some people this can lead to introspective fears making them wonder if they are bad parents or if somehow, they’ve really messed up their children.  Once they realize that they are hurt and wounded by the comments they can start to question their own judgment of the situation.  “Maybe I shouldn’t correct him because I’m just hurt.  After all, doesn’t he have the right to be angry with me?  I can’t tell him to stop just because I’m hurt,” and etc.
 
While it may be wise to not overreact out of your hurt, it is also wise to not under-react out of fear of overreacting.  Got that? ;-)
 
For a young child who says, “I don’t love you,” I’d say something like the following:
“You may not say that.  That is a mean and hurtful thing to say.  You may not say that to me, and you may not say that to anyone else.  If you are angry with me, we can talk about it, but you may not use hurtful speech.”  The idea is that your child can discuss his emotions to you, but he needs to do it respectfully and with self-control.
 
With a younger child, the first time or two it happened I’d be gentle about it and explain the seriousness of it.  I’d view it as a teaching opportunity to let them know what is appropriate and loving and what is not.  Once a clear standard has been established of what is permissible and what is not, it would become an issue of discipline when the standard is broken.
 
With an older kid, stronger fits of anger, or repeated offenses in this area, I’d get strong with them quickly.  Although you could view it as a minor offense, another way to look at it is that it is breaking the Second Greatest Commandment, the Golden Rule, and one of the Ten Commandments (see below).  That ups the ante, doesn’t it?  With an older child I’d view it as a form of rebellion that needs to be immediately and strongly confronted.
 
One important thing to remember is that there are a ton of teaching opportunities here that you could work through: speech, love, anger, thought life, rebellion, etc.  View this as an opportunity to really help them in their life struggles and pick one or two areas to talk through with them.  Don’t lose heart.  You are not going to raise godly men and women without having some pretty tough battles along the way.  Those battles are where much of the life-shaping occurs.  So don’t fear them, avoid them, or be surprised by them.  Just face them as they come, seek God’s wisdom, and help your child grow through each one.
 
Second Greatest Commandment: Mark 12:31 [Jesus said,] “The second [greatest commandment] is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” NIV
 
The Golden Rule: Matthew 7:12 [Jesus said,] “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” NIV
 
The Fifth Commandment: Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. NIV
 
Keep trusting God!
 
Steve <><

Hebrews 5:2 [The high priest] is able to deal gently with those who are ignorant and are going astray, since he himself is subject to weakness. NIV
 
I suppose I was 17 on that fateful day. I was getting my parents’ car ready for a date that night. I vacuumed it out and cleaned it up. I hopped in, popped it into reverse, and took my foot off the brake. As the car crept back I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see the garage door bursting at its seams.  I slammed on the brake before punching through the door, but it was too late—at least too late to keep Dad from finding out.  Boards were cracked and beyond the repair capabilities of a 17-year-old with only an hour to clamp, glue, reinforce, and paint before Dad returned. I couldn’t think of a good enough lie to cover my tracks.  I was toast. The ensuing conversation went something like this:

​ “What were you thinking?”
 
 “I don’t know.”
 
 “Why weren’t you looking behind you?”
 
 “I was.”
 
 “And you didn’t see the door?”
 
 “Well, I didn’t look until it was too late.”
 
 “What were you thinking?”
 
 The conversation seemed to have turned back on itself. 
 
As a dad myself now, it’s a little challenging to deal with the lack of thinking occurring within the noggins of my own children. The same children who know more than me when it comes to English, music, history, and Scripture memory, are the same ones who can ride their bikes right into the neighbor’s mailbox. Or put a hole through the wall while wrestling over the door. Or bust out a window by trying to knock on it to scare another child. Or nearly rip the driver’s-ed instructor’s arm off when she tries to take over the steering wheel.  The opportunities to say, “What were you thinking?” abound.
 
In all honesty, I do take most of those opportunities.  Sometimes it just feels good to say it, and sometimes I’m genuinely trying to figure out just what is going on inside those heads.  It’s just one of those things that need to be said at times. You just can’t expect to get a Lego stuck in your nose without someone politely asking, “What were you thinking?”  (Actually, I made up that one. It’s not that I’m out of real-life examples. I’m just trying to spare my kids further embarrassment.)
 
Back to the door. A few years after remodeling the garage door, I was vindicated. Dad himself gave that same door its final blow.  It seems he started backing up just a smidge before he turned to look to notice that the door was closed.  I guess we all could use a little grace at times.
 
I think that is the key.  We need to understand that we all need grace. We all make mistakes and occasionally we even make mistakes that are unbelievably mindless. In the verse above, the high priest is able to be compassionate with people’s weaknesses, because he recognizes his own weakness. As parents, this same principle should apply to us. Our kids need correction and instruction, but they also need gentleness and mercy, just like we do.  At least that’s what I’m thinking.

“And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward.” Matthew 10:42

“Daddy, how come you have time to go to a baseball game tonight, but you don’t have time to fix my bike chain?” asked my 6-year-old.

“Well, buddy,” I started to explain, “it’s not quite that simple.” “You see it’s part of my job to go to the game since it’s a church activity.” Of course, I immediately realized that sounded pretty stupid, so I set to work on fixing his chain as I continued defending my actions. I mumbled on for a few minutes vainly trying to make my priorities sound reasonable, but, of course, that was a lost cause. Fortunately, six-year-olds are more interested in getting their bikes fixed than on scrutinizing faulty logic.

It’s funny that I thought I could watch baseball for Jesus, but I didn’t have time to help my own son for five minutes for Jesus. It sure seemed pretty obvious to my son what the right thing to do was, but somehow I missed it. Sometimes I get fooled into thinking that simple acts of kindness are unspiritual work. Going to church, serving in ministries, and reading my Bible all seem to be spiritual work (and let’s not forget attending baseball games), but somehow fixing a bike chain seems different.

I wonder how often we miss opportunities to serve Jesus because we don’t view ordinary acts of kindness as being spiritual. Does giving someone a cup of cold water only count if they are dressed in rags, or does it also count if they are 3 ½ feet tall and their cup has a spill-proof lid on it? We need to remind ourselves that even the most ordinary acts of kindness are spiritual works that please God—even putting on bike chains.