Originally posted May 2005.
 
Question:
[In response to Our Objectives as they Relate to Homeschool] 
Great thoughts, thanks a ton for taking time to put them down “on paper.”  I think praying through your convictions, and either asking God to make them mine or give me some of my own directly, will be extremely beneficial.
 
A follow-up question I have relates to curriculum.  There is such a variety out there, and it can be so confusing to try and weed through what may be the best, do you have any recommendations so we can avoid any pitfalls y’all have fallen into?
 
Response:  
We decided early on to pick a curriculum and go with it.  One of our goals was to just keep it as simple as possible by going with one curriculum.  We didn’t want to spend a bunch of time at the curriculum fairs or spend too much energy always reevaluating exactly which curriculum was the absolutely positively very best for each child.  Most are well thought through and should provide a good and balanced education for most children. 
 
Your faithfulness as a teacher will certainly impact your children more than which curriculum you use.  That in mind, here are a few suggestions related to faithfulness in homeschooling. 

1. When home schooling in Colorado, you commit to homeschooling for four hours a day, for 172 days.  We suggest you keep your word in this.
2. We do not allow any fudge time in our four hours.  In other words, we don’t count washing dishes, and mowing as “life experience time,” and we don’t count a trip to the museum or the zoo as a science fieldtrip.  Usually before third grade our kids finish their schoolwork in a couple of hours.  We try to fill up the rest of their time by reading to them, educational computer time, or educational or spiritual videos.
3. From Kindergarten on, we have our kids work all the way through their books.  Just because the time is up doesn’t mean the job is done.  Finishing their books also gives the kids a sense of achievement and accomplishment.
4. We usually have the kids go back and correct questions they missed so that they can learn from their mistakes.  This takes much more management because it can involve correcting the same paper two or three times, but we feel it is worth the effort.
5. If a child tries hard and performs poorly on a test, we are okay with that.  Usually, the case is that a child performs poorly because he or she did not study.  In that case, he or she restudies, and retakes the test.  

 
As with any type of school (home, public or private), we want our kids to learn the material, and we also want them to learn to work hard, be diligent, and be self-controlled.  If you take a serious-minded approach to school, you can achieve the goals you want with almost any curriculum.  We feel that most parents do not take education and the training tool that it provides seriously enough.  This is a grave error.
 
Anyway, back to your question.  We simply asked around a little to get a feel for what was commonly used by people that we respected.  You may want to do the same.
 
We ended up choosing A Beka (www.abeka.com).   Sonlight is another popular choice (www.sonlight.com), as is Bob Jones (www.bjup.com).  The virtual academies are also becoming more popular since they are online, cheaper (or free), and provide teacher support.  Saxon math also seems to be a common substitution that people use instead of the standard math provided with the curriculum (www.saxonhomeschool.com).  I’m sure there are many more good choices, but that should give you a start. 
 
P.S. – Kath’s quick comment:  Just tell them to not have some “castle in the sky” idea of homeschooling.  Yes, the benefits can far outweigh the costs, but if done correctly and thoroughly, it sure comes at some cost too.  It is not for the weak-hearted!  It takes tough discipline and character on the part of the child, and even more so on the part of the mommy!!
 
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Originally posted May 2005.
 
Question:
A parenting group I’m in just finished with Chapter 7 of Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp, which is titled "Discarding Unbiblical Methods." I'm not exactly sure how we got on the topic, but chores and earning money for chores came up. I think we were talking about bribery and rewarding good behavior, and not getting stuck in the rut as the "name in the jar" example (page 64) and we were sharing examples of things and this topic came up.
 
One mommy has three jars: one for spending, one for giving, and one for saving. Her daughter is only three, but she has specific chores that she is to do each week and then they give her money for each jar so she can learn the responsibility and the importance of giving and saving, etc.
 
Another mommy gives money if there is something in particular that her 6-year-old wants but needs to earn. Her example was a stuffed animal at the grocery store that the little girl wanted and mommy said no, but maybe she could earn it. So she was given specific chores to do to earn the stuffed animal.
 
Someone also questioned whether it’s beneficial to use a chore chart to hang on the frig so the child can see what their regular chores are. Then we questioned whether they should get paid for those chores or not.
 
My personal input was that there are certain chores that are to be done in our home that will not ever be paid for as they need to help contribute to the running of our home. I actually liked the idea from the mommy that gave extra chores to “earn” something the child wanted. And I also really liked the idea of the three jars for them to learn the value of money, but I am also very concerned that our children will fall into that mode of being self-serving, and they won't do the “extra” chores unless it benefits them.
 
So ultimately, we are not sure what the right approach is to this situation and would gladly welcome your input.
 
By the way, the oldest of our children in this group is six.
 
 
Response:
I’m not sure what the ‘right’ approach to the situation is, as I don’t see this as a right and wrong issue. However, I can tell you what we do.
 
Our kids do lots of chores—lots and lots of chores. Even a six-year-old can help with laundry, do dishes, sweep, pick-up, and contribute in many ways. In our family there is much to do of each of those chores, and practically speaking, we cannot afford to hire our kids to help in these ways. Not only that, but tracking and managing who did what for what sounds like a nightmare. So in our house chores are just part of being in our family. If a six-year-old wants a dollar she needs to lose a tooth and hope the tooth fairy remembers to put a little something under the pillow. (She seems to be getting forgetful in her old age.)
 
At such young ages we are not concerned at all about teaching our kids the value of money. We give them what they need and grandmas give them what they want, and there just doesn’t seem to be much use for money for our young ones.
 
As our kids get to be eight or nine, they might earn a few bucks here and there by doing something above and beyond the call of duty, but we never give them anything for chores.
 
So that’s the practice of our family. Much of that is driven by practicality in our home, but here are some biblical guidelines you may want to consider.
 
Rewards are okay. God uses rewards all the time to motivate us. Consider the following verse as just one clear example.
 
Matthew 6:19-20 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.” (NIV)
 
I think God uses rewards with us because they work so well as motivators. However, we do need to be careful about over-using rewards. On the page you referred to, Tedd Tripp gave the example of a family that over-used rewards. Then he asked how it worked, and answered his own question saying, “Great. It was an effective tool for teaching the children. It taught them to be selfish. It taught them to do things for improper motives. It taught them how to earn parental approbation and therefore, a name in the jar…” Obviously, that is not the impact we want from using rewards.
 
We also need to consider that children need to obey their parents (Colossians 3:20). I do not want to wheel and deal with my kids whenever I ask them to do something. I just want them to obey. I never want to hear, “How much will you give me for it?” I just want them to obey. I don’t want to have to bribe them; I just want them to obey. Simply put, that is what God has called them to do.
 
Ultimately, the question is not whether or not I should give a quarter here or a quarter there, but the question is whether a child is motivated to do right, or if a child is motivated just to get a Smartie (one of our rewards of choice). There are many times in life that our deeds will go unnoticed and unrewarded. A child who only performs for a reward is not going to be very well positioned for real life, but a child who chooses right because it is right is in a good place.
 
I think you could take it a step further and say that we choose right when we look to God as an ever-present observer and rewarder. He will reward our faith (Hebrews 11:6) and our labors (1 Corinthians 3:8). He will reward us for whatever good we do (Ephesians 6:8), and even for the good things we do that no one else sees (Matthew 6:1-8). We are extremely motivated by rewards, and one could even question if there is anything at all that we do that is not somehow associated with a belief that we will be rewarded in some way for it. It is not wrong for our kids to be motivated by rewards; it is wrong if that is their only motivation, and it is wrong if they do not look to God as the ultimate rewarder.
 
So, in short, make sure you develop a spirit of helpfulness and obedience in your child. It’s perfectly fine to bless your child here and there with a reward, but don’t overdo it. Make sure she does chores because that is the right thing for her to do, and not just because she is looking for some sort of earthly payback.
 
******
 
A little parenting tip (for no extra charge): When you can’t find your car keys, glasses, or check book, just gather the kids and say, “The first one to find my car keys gets a quarter.” It works like a charm every time, and as a way of earning a little spending money it’s much less painful than losing a tooth.


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Originally posted May 2005.
 
Here are a few pointers on what to do if you feel like your discipline is not working. You are bound to feel this way at times, but you need to take heart! Don’t get defeated. You can win with your child. Each one is different and some have more spunk and willpower than others. Parenting can get really hard at times, but you will win if you stick in there.

When things get difficult, make sure you get input from your small group leader or someone who is close to the situation. Ask them for open and frank input on all areas that relate to your parenting. Oftentimes it is easier for an outsider to see our issues than it is for us to see them ourselves.

Here are some basics I’d want to make sure you’re confident in if things are getting really tough.
 
More love and relationship
Make sure you (both parents) are connected with your child. Are you in the home enough? Is she with sitters or in daycare frequently? I’d cut out as much of that as you can. She needs you.

Some kids like lots and lots of attention, and for some of them, negative attention seems better to them than minimal attention. Some kids will go through spankings just to get to the kiss and make-up part at the end. Make sure that throughout the day you are touching her, saying “I love you”, and making eye contact with her when you talk to her.
 
More discipline
Kids will act up if they think they can win. Some kids will give up the battle of the wills if they have a ten percent chance of getting caught and/or disciplined. Although it’s always best to be consistent, a little inconsistency with these kids might not be a real big deal.

However, all kids are different. Some kids feel victorious with far less. If they can win one battle out of twenty, then they consider that a victory. They will battle every time in hopes of winning just once. Losing nineteen battles is no big deal as long as they can win the twentieth. So, check your consistency level.

When you’ve been disciplining a child time after time, it can be easy to get fearful of entering into discipline situations. For some parents this can lead to weaker parenting. They make excuses for their children’s misbehavior, accept less than complete obedience, and shy away from giving instructions that they worry might be disobeyed.

Here’s an example:
 
“Gimme that toy. Give it right now… Hurry up... Okay, you want to put it on the chair? That’s fine. But don’t touch it again... I said, ‘Don’t touch it again’... Okay if you want to touch it that’s fine, but you better not pick it up… Put that back down. If you don’t put it down, I’m going to tell your father...”
 
The child in that situation just won five battles. She didn’t obey quickly. She put the toy in a place different than she was told to. She touched it again. She picked it up again. She didn’t put it down again quickly.

I’d take the battle back to the first offense and discipline after she put the toy in the wrong place. Take away her victories. If she has no hope of winning such battles, there is no point engaging with you at that level.

I would also caution against getting fearful that something is terribly wrong with your child. I remember when we asked a pediatrician to check the hearing of one of our kids. A knowing smile came over his face as he obliged. Surprisingly, everything checked out just fine. I don’t think we were the first parents to think our child couldn’t hear. You see, the problem wasn’t hearing, it was obeying.

We may be tempted at times to think our child must have some physical problem, and more than a few parents have even wondered if their child was demon possessed. While we don’t want to ignore the possibility of some sort of disability, there’s a good chance that all that is wrong is that our child has a selfish, independent, and rebellious streak. Nothing personal, I’m just saying kids can be rebellious, and neither your child nor mine is exempt from that.

I suppose it is possible that there are aspects of a child’s disposition, psychological makeup, or physical health that make her more prone to rebellion, but that doesn’t make it okay to be rebellious. If she can obey sometimes, she can obey all the time, or at least become a generally obedient child. Could she be more prone to acting up at times? Sure. I’m definitely grouchier when I’m tired, but I need to control that regardless of my vulnerability to it. She may be more sensitive to how much you are home, or things that are said to her, or to what she eats for breakfast. Sure, there could be contributing factors to when she struggles, but like all of us, she needs to learn to use self-control even when she is tired, sick, irritable, ticked off, or whatever.
 
 
More instruction
Give your young kids lots of structure. Kids thrive with structure. Have your child always operating under your direction. Practice ‘blanket time’ with her. Set her on a blanket for 30 minutes with 3 or 4 toys. Have her play quietly without getting off. Stay close to keep an eye on her. If she fusses or gets off, discipline her for disobeying you. This will help her learn to obey your instructions and to stay within boundaries that you set for her.

If she was really going berserk for a while and I felt that the amount of discipline was getting to a troubling level, I might try to slow down the process a little by giving her significantly more instruction. After disciplining her, you might try holding her for a while and letting her calm down. Then, after she has regained her composure you could give her another opportunity to yield. For instance, I might discipline her and then just hold her in my lap for a minute or two saying, “Shhhhh.” Then, after she calms down a little, I’d explain it very clearly, “Honey, you don’t want another spanking, do you? Good. I don’t want to give you another one. But if you do not obey, I will, because that is best for you. I want to help you learn to obey. I want you to say “sorry”. Good! Now I’m going to ask you to obey again, and if you do not obey, I’ll have to spank again. And you don’t want that right? Okay, now, I want you to go and get the toy and give it to me. You must give it to me. You may not set it on the floor. You may not throw it. You may not give it to someone else. You must get the toy and give it to me. Do you understand? Good, now please go and get the toy and hand it to me…”

Give a young child lots of simple instruction. Make it good and clear that you love her and that you will work with her through this issue, but that you will win. You don’t want to lose the battle, but you can certainly slow it down a little and give her some time to think through things and make good choices.

With an older child who has a good command of the language, you still need to give plenty of instruction, and it needs to be obeyed. It is important to explain the wisdom behind your instructions at times, but obedience must come first. “Because I said so,” is not a bad reason to give. It is important for the child to yield to your authority and not to your ability to develop an air-tight argument persuading your child that your way is best. You can do it a little more politely by saying, “I’ll explain it later, but right now I would just like you to do it because I asked you to.” Remember that you do not need to convince your child that you are right. Your are the parent; she is the child.

If you are struggling with discipline, give 100% attention to these areas for a few weeks and see if you notice any change. You should not have lots and lots of long, drawn out battles. If your consistent love, discipline, and instruction are not curbing behavior, then I’d keep reevaluating the situation and continuing to get input. Keep praying for wisdom. Ask God to reveal to you anything that you can change to help turn the situation. He wants to help you.

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Originally posted May 2005.
 
Question:
My husband and I are planning on homeschooling our children. What are your main (and maybe some minor) objectives in homeschooling your kids, and what are some practical examples of how you are trying to achieve those?
 
Response:
That’s a great question but let me start with a few disclaimers.  I don’t think you have to homeschool to win with your kids.  Many parents have not homeschooled and have done well with their kids.  There are also many homeshoolers who have not won with their kids.  Homeschool is not the key to good parenting.
 
For some people homeschool may not be ideal or may not even be an option.
 
I also want to add that there can be elements of homeschool that leave a bad taste in my mouth.  While we know many homeschooling families who are well balanced, we also know of some that are not.  Some homeshoolers can be elitist.  Others struggle with being separatists.  A few may even be accused of being outright weird.  Like any group of people, the members of that group are wide and varied in their vision, convictions, beliefs, gifting, and personalities.  We need to give each other a little grace in whether or not we homeschool and in how that may look in a given home.
 
That said, we would not be going down the homeschool path unless we felt it made it easier to accomplish some of our parenting objectives.  Here are some of the objectives we hope to accomplish with our children.  While we hope your share these objectives, you may have different means of achieving the in your home.  These are just OUR strategies for OUR home.
 
1) We want to limit the influence of our children’s peer groups.
1 Corinthians 15:33 Do not be misled:
“Bad company corrupts good character.” NIV
 
We certainly believe that it is healthy for our children to interact with other children, both Christian and non-Christian.  However, we’d prefer to limit that interaction so that it occurs under primarily our supervision.  When that is not possible, we would like to be able to limit the amount of interaction to a level that we can keep up with in terms of discussing, guiding, and processing through with our kids.  If they are out of the home for 7 or 8 hours a day, that makes for a lot of peer interaction that occurs outside of our guidance, and more than we would like to debrief them on daily.
 
2) We want more time with our kids.
We plan to homeschool until junior high or high school.  If one of our children went to school outside of our home from kindergarten through junior high, they would be away from us for roughly 11,500 hours!  (172 school days/year x 7.5 hours/day x 9 years (rounded)).  I would like us to have an additional 11,500 hours to teach, train, guide, and love each of our children.
 
3) We want be the visionaries, and the ones that execute that visionary plan.
Parents have the God given responsibility for raising their children.  In their best judgment parents can use whatever resources they feel are best for their kids.  They can use public, private, or Christian schools, but the schools are not ultimately responsible—the parents are.
 
There are many good teachers in the school system.  As good as they may be, and as much as they love kids, they are not going to have quite the same heart, passion, love, and vision for my kids that my wife and I have.
 
Let me put it this way.  I love the movie called ‘Miracle’.  It’s about the 1980 US hockey team’s amazing defeat against the professional Russian skaters.  The coach, Herb Russell, handpicked a group of amateur skaters, personally trained them, and single-handedly shaped each individual’s thinking to help him achieve the mindset of a champion.  Now, I’m sure coach Herb had lots of assistants who were also well-trained coaches with their own great set of skills.  However, do you think coach Herb would let the assistants take over while he took a two-month vacation before the Olympics so that he could rest up?  Of course not.  Nothing against the assistants, but the responsibility of the team was his.  The vision of training the team was his; and the execution of the vision was his.
 
No one else would have quite the same plan as Herb or quite the same execution of that plan.
 
For the same reason, we want to be actively and intimately involved in every aspect of child raising that we can be.  For us, this includes education.
 
4) We want to impart a Christian worldview.
I do not believe that most school systems are anti-god or are consciously trying to minimize religion.  Like my own teachers, most are just trying to teach and help kids.  However, the government demands that public schools act in a neutral way towards religion, which usually translates into very little meaningful mention of God.  A worldview without God is…well, godless.  Again, I’m not saying it’s some sort of evil conspiracy.  I’m just saying that is the way it is.  The kids don’t hear much about God, the teachers don’t say much about God, and the texts are void of God as well.  A child could easily form the opinion that God is irrelevant to real life, and is only permitted and significant within certain circles.
 
While there are specific areas of instruction that I would have particular concerns (like creation vs. evolution), my greater concern is that I want my kids to be saturated with a worldview in which God is the crucial player. 
 
5) We want to shield our kids from battles they are not ready to face.
We want our children to be life changers.  We have no plans on secluding them from the rest of the world while carefully guarding the secret of eternal life from those who are perishing.  However, we don’t expect our younger ones to be ready to stand up to all the pressures of life until they are adequately trained.
 
I once saw an article about Steve Irwin, also known as the Crocodile Hunter.  He was coming under scrutiny for feeding a 13-foot crocodile while holding his one-month-old son, Robert.  In explaining his actions, Irwin said that his children “have to be croc-savvy”. 
 
Here’s what I might say to the Crocodile Hunter, “Good point Steve.  In your line of business I suppose that is true.  That is central to your life mission.  Your children must be trained to work with dangerous animals.  But just maybe a one-month-old is not quite ready for that level of croc involvement!”
 
In a similar way, I want to train my kids to influence the lost because that is central to our life mission.  However, I want to equip them and guide them and let them become exposed to the world at a rate that they can handle.  For us this includes not having them in public school until they are teenagers, or maybe even until high school.
 
I’d say those are our main objectives.  Our education objectives are important to us, but these objectives are crucial to us.  While these may not be as practical, they are certainly foundational.
 
I hope none of that comes off as being too strong.  These are our convictions for our kids.  Each family needs its own convictions.  

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Originally posted 2005.
 
Our church recently started a 16-week plan to read through the New Testament together. I was shocked when a college student said, “I’ve been going to church for almost my whole life and I’ve never read through the New Testament.” That’s heart breaking! The New Testament is not very big. It’s roughly two thirds the size of most novels. Even though our faith is founded upon it, many people have never read the whole thing. Some people have been following Christ for twenty or thirty years and have yet to read through the New Testament. If you haven’t done so yet, please do so. It’s such a small thing to do.
 
How much effort would it take to get your child to read through the New Testament? There are 260 chapters in the New Testament. If he read one chapter a day it would take 8 ½ months. Two chapters a day would take four months and a week. Three chapters a day would take 12 ½ weeks.
 
You’d have to have your kid sit down and read for a little while each day. That would take some time on your part, but not much. The reading would have both spiritual and educational benefits. Since it is good for us all, maybe you could even do it with him. It would provide some great parent time, as well as setting a good example.
 
Little things like this over a lifetime will profoundly impact your children. They don’t take much time, but they make a real difference in their lives. Sometimes we view stuff like this as being so difficult that we don’t even try a little.
 
I read a book called Ten P’s in a Pod by Arnold Pent III. It’s about a couple and their eight children who drove all over the country preaching the benefits of Bible-reading. One of the philosophies of their father was that you should feed your soul more than you feed your body. As a result, he had family devotions for 30 minutes after each meal. This was in addition to their private devotions which were 30 minutes for the younger kids and 60 minutes for the older ones. The book claims that the kids were of normal intelligence and had normal memories. Yet the amazing thing is that without really focusing intensively on memorization, the kids could quote massive amounts of Scripture from memory. They just read the Bible that much! One of the older children could quote the entire New Testament almost entirely from memory. I was impressed!
 
I’m not saying all of you should do that with your kids. What I’m saying is that we can get fooled into thinking that doing stuff like having our kids read through the New Testament is really excellent parenting—almost extreme. Having your kids memorize the New Testament is extreme parenting. Having them read through the New Testament is far closer to mediocre parenting.
 
Perhaps the thought of achieving excellence can be so overwhelming that we can lose heart and even give up trying for mediocrity. It would do us well to raise the bar a little in our expectations. Of course, the hardest part of this is that such parenting can conflict with other things we are trying to accomplish. Let me ask you a question. How much are you willing to do to win with your kids? Are you willing to read the Bible yourself? Will you pray for fifteen minutes a day? Are you willing to get more involved at church? We need to be strong and be willing to do whatever it takes.
 
1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 
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Originally posted 2005.
 
Here’s a little food for thought on teenage relationships.
 
The Cultural Recipe for the Perfect Match
By Charlie Meyer
 
Ingredients:
Take 6-18 young, tender, hormonally charged children. Prepare by removing moral beliefs and all respect for adults. Blend together sex education, MTV, and internet. Marinate children 3-6 years in “their room.” Place together in an automobile one male and one female. Add just a dash of clothing and park in dark place for several hours at a time along with government supplied contraceptives. Add alcohol or other stimulants to taste. Let simmer. Each 1-6 months, remove one child and replace with different one of same sex from pool. In this fashion rotate all children through car in various combinations. Repeat for 6-10 years. Children are now ready to marry as many times as needed.

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Originally posted 2005.
 
“Did you eat a Whopper?” (The chocolate kind, not the hamburger kind)
 
“No,” our five-year-old answered, “I did not eat a Whopper.”
 
Her brother had spotted her, and now she needed to admit it. Kath and I took turns interrogating her (and trying not to laugh).
 
“Are you sure you did not eat a Whopper?”
 
“No, I did not eat a Whopper,” she said adamantly.
 
“Let me smell your breath.”
 
“Hhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa.”
 
Her breath smelled suspiciously like chocolate malted milk balls.
 
“It is important to tell the truth. I can tell you ate a Whopper because your breath smells like it.”
 
Her eyes vainly searched the room for answers. “No, I did not eat a Whopper today.”
 
“When did you eat a Whopper?”
 
“Daddy gave me some.”
 
“That was yesterday. Did you eat a Whopper today, because you have some chocolate on your face?”
 
“No,” she said as we watched the gears turn behind her eyes, “I did eat some other chocolate.” Her tongue reached out to the corner of her mouth to erase any evidence.
 
“Show us where you got it.”
 
She took us to the pantry and showed us a bag of piñata candy, which did not contain chocolate.
 
“Where did you put the wrapper?” Kathleen asked.
 
“In here,” she pointed to the pantry trash.
 
As Kathleen started digging through the trash our little girl started rethinking where the mystery chocolate wrapper had gone.
 
“Maybe I put it in the other trash,” she reconsidered.
 
“Okay sweetie, that is enough. You are lying to us.” I calmly explained, “I am going to spank you for lying and then I’m going to ask you to tell the truth. If you lie again, I will spank you again until you tell the truth.”
 
We had actually had a similar round of discipline a few weeks before this incident, so I didn’t expect this one to go long. Hopefully she learned that she would not win this battle.
 
I took her to the bathroom and gave her a good long controlled spank. Snatching a Whopper is not that big of a deal, but telling a whopper is. After I finished I stood her up and gave her a hug. “Okay honey, tell me the truth now.”
 
“I did not eat a Whopper.” (She’s got some spunk to her J)
 
“I have to spank you again for lying.” Round 2 commenced. As soon as I finished and stood her up, she broke.
 
“I did eat a Whopper.” This time her cries were not from the pain, but from the relief of getting the lie off her chest. I hugged her again.
 
“Thank you for telling the truth. If you had told the truth in the first place you would have saved yourself a lot of trouble, and from telling more lies. That’s the way lies grow. When you tell one, you end up telling more. If you tell a lie, get it right at once so that it does not grow. I love you honey. Now go apologize to your mommy and your brother…”
 
Proverbs 12:22 The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful. 

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Originally posted February 2005.
 
Question:
What is the Christian belief about circumcision? Reading through the NT we have read a lot about it in Romans. From what we have learned regarding the health standpoint we understand it to be unnecessary. Religiously is it considered more of a metaphor for spiritual circumcision?
 
Response:
That’s a great question.  It’s important to seek God’s will for the raising of our children, even in the tiniest details of parenting.  I think that is a great heart to have in all areas of parenting.
 
While this is a sensitive topic (ouch!), I’ll try to address it the best I can.  In the Old Testament the cutting off of the foreskin was a requirement for all Jewish males and was performed eight days after birth (Genesis 17:10-14).  However, I don’t think there is any spiritual reason to be circumcised according to the instructions and guidance given to us in the New Testament.
 
Since Jesus’ time that has all changed.  The only thing we have to do to go to heaven is to put our faith in Jesus Christ, believing that His death on the cross is completely sufficient to pay for our sins.  There is no amount of good works that we can do to sufficiently cover our sins, or even help in doing so.  Circumcision will not help, and neither will going to church, giving to the poor, or doing the best we can.  The only thing that will pay for our sins is having faith in Christ’s death on the cross.  As you read through the verses below, I think you’ll find that we are clearly released from the act of physical circumcision.  As you mentioned, the only positive references to circumcision after the time of Christ are those that speak of it symbolically.
 
I’ve heard both pros and cons for it medically.  I’d tend to lean towards believing that it probably has some medical benefit, just because most of God’s commands seem to have an earthly benefit to obeying them. 
 
So in short, I don’t see any spiritual reason to have a child circumcised, and my personal conviction for it medically comes in at a good strong 51% in favor of it.  I think there is total freedom in this area; if you don’t have a compelling reason to do it, then don’t.  If you think it may have some medical benefit, or have some other reason for having your child circumcised, then feel free to do it. 
 
 
Here are some scriptures for further study:
 
Acts 16:3 Paul wanted to take [Timothy] along on the journey, so he circumcised him because of the Jews who lived in that area, for they all knew that his father was a Greek. NIV
 
Romans 3:29-30 Is God the God of Jews only? Is he not the God of Gentiles too? Yes, of Gentiles too, since there is only one God, who will justify the circumcised by faith and the uncircumcised through that same faith. NIV
 
1 Corinthians 7:18-19  Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God's commands is what counts. NIV  (See 1 John 3:23)
 
Galatians 2:2-3 Yet not even Titus, who was with me [/Paul], was compelled to be circumcised, even though he was a Greek. NIV
 
Galatians 5:2-6  Mark my words! I, Paul, tell you that if you let yourselves be circumcised, Christ will be of no value to you at all. Again I declare to every man who lets himself be circumcised that he is obligated to obey the whole law. You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. NIV  [Note that in Acts 16:3 Paul encouraged Timothy to get circumcised so that Jews wouldn’t get all caught up on that instead of focusing on the message of Christ.  If we are trying to obey the law by circumcision, then we would be obligated to obey the whole law (which is impossible for us).  However, it is possible to get circumcised or to circumcise our children for other reasons, just as Paul circumcised Timothy for other reasons.]
 
Galatians 6:15 Neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything; what counts is a new creation. NIV
 
Colossians 2:11-12 In him you were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ, having been buried with him in baptism and raised with him through your faith in the power of God, who raised him from the dead. NIV
 
Colossians 3:11 Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. NIV

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Originally posted February 2005.
 
In our group of churches there is a saying that your children will either be missionaries or mission fields. I don’t know who said it first, but it’s a powerful concept. Your children will be actively trying to reach someone else, or someone else will be trying to reach your children. They will be proclaiming the word of Christ, or they will be having some other teaching proclaimed to them. They will be visionary or will be open to someone else’s vision.
 
That’s a scary thought! I actually talked to a young missionary once who belonged to a group that I would consider a cult. He had been involved in a Christian church in his youth, so I asked him how he got involved in his new church. He said that when he was a teenager some missionaries came by the house and preached to him and convinced him of the teachings of his new religion. What a graphic picture of this concept! How his parents must have regretted not equipping him to face such false teachings!
 
So how can you equip your kids to be “missionaries?” Here are a few practical ideas:

1. Have them memorize some basic gospel verses. (We start with the following ten passages: 1 John 5:13; John 3:16; Romans 3:23; Romans 6:23; James 2:10; Ephesians 2:8,9; Romans 5:8; John 3:36; John 14:6; John 5:24)
2. Have your kids pray daily for their friends and neighbors who have not yet believed in Christ. This will help them develop a heart for those who are lost.
3. Teach your kids an outreach program like the Romans Road, How to Share Your Faith Without an Argument, the Four Spiritual Laws, or the bridge diagram.
4. Get Christian biographies for your kids to read. The Trailblazers series is great at telling the stories in a readable fashion. (Not all books in this series are appropriate for all ages.) This will help your kids see Christianity lived out at its fullest as it looks from several different vantage points.
5. Be actively involved in a church where a faith-filled Christian life is lived out and demonstrated by a majority of the members. You and your spouse are only two parts of the body of Christ. Your child needs to see people expressing a whole variety of gifts that the two of you may not demonstrate strongly.
6. Model it! Devote your own life to wholeheartedly living for Christ and to spreading His message of forgiveness to all who believe.
7. Have your kids develop a habit of reading their Bibles daily. (Of course you’ll need to model this for them. J)
8. As your kids get older, have them read faith building books like More than a Carpenter (Josh McDowell), Evidence that Demands a Verdict (Josh McDowell), and Five Crucial Questions about Christianity (Tom Short).
9. Talk often with your kids about their purpose in life. If they do not have a strong, clear purpose to live for, they could give their life to anything and anyone.
10. Kids are followers or leaders. While we would like all of our kids to be leaders, some are not naturally bent that way. We would be reluctant to let a “follower” be overly influenced by peers until we are confident that our child could lead out with a gospel mindset. Don’t release your kids too soon! In other words, do not give them more responsibility and independence than they are equipped to handle.

 
Of course, it is hard to give a definitive ten-point all-inclusive program. Those are just a few starter ideas. The reality is that we all need to seek God’s guidance and wisdom with each of our kids. I would not assume that passing on our faith or heart for God is going to be an automatic slam dunk. Being evangelistic (or even just different) is not easy for most of us. This will be a fierce battle for our kids, especially when they hit the teen years, which is when kids are so easily obsessed with what others think of them. Pray for wisdom. This is no easy task.

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Originally posted February 2005.
 
Malachi 4:6 “He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.”
 
To some fathers it may seem strange that a father’s heart would have to be turned to his children. Some fathers seem to naturally enjoy a healthy relationship with their kids throughout the years.

However, it is much more difficult for other fathers. They may have once dreamed of playing catch with their kid some day, or of reading The Hobbit together on the couch, but it never quite worked out like that. They brought babies home from the hospital that were interested in nursing, not football. In fact, the whole first year of life seemed to be mommy’s special time of bonding. Certainly things would get better with age…wouldn’t they?

As their babies grew, bonding with their children did not become any more natural. When their babies cried, they wanted their mommies. When they got hurt, they wanted their mommies. When they needed comfort, they wanted their mommies. In fact, they always wanted their mommies.

Some of these dads gave up. They felt out of place, unneeded, and even a little rejected. They felt that since mommy seemed so gifted at parenting, they should just step back and get out of the way. They gave themselves to their careers, their hobbies, and even their churches, but they never learned how to connect with their kids. The time for reading to their kids came and went, and passing the football together never quite interested them or their children.

If you’re one of those dads, something needs to change. Your heart needs to be turned back to your kid, and your kid’s heart needs to be turned back to you. It may seem awkward for you, but you’ve got to connect with your kid no matter what it takes.

Let me give you the secret for connecting with your preteen child. It’s wrestling. You don’t need to know how. You’re bigger. You’ll figure it out. Get down on the floor, and in a taunting tone, say something like, “Come ’ere boy. Let me show you the double leg grab pull down flip around.” If he squeals with laughter, take him down. If he runs, hunt him down.

I don’t mean to imply that wrestling is all that there is to connecting with younger kids. That would be absurd. There is also tickling. Tickle a lot. Tickle their feet, their arms, their legs, their necks. Some people think that too much tickling is cruel, and those people should be thankful that I was not their father, because I would have tickled such silly notions right out of them.
Of course these two keys to parenting can also be combined. Unlike collegiate wrestling, tickling is the ultimate goal of the match. You don’t take them down so that you can count to three; you take them down so that you can tickle them.

I hope you know I’m not kidding. It obviously doesn’t have to be wrestling and tickling but you’ve got to connect with your kid. Get down on the ground and spend an hour with your child. Get at his level and wrestle or play Legos. Build a model, have a pillow fight, or play Hot Wheels. Try to be a kid for a little while.

You don’t have to be Super Dad. You don’t have to be too creative. They just want you. They want your time and your attention. Give them your heart, and they’ll give you theirs in return.


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